Absolutely Invincible British Professor
by Russia's Magic Pipe
Summary: Voldemort's risen again, and England is worried about Harry's safety. So he goes to Hogwarts as a professor, in order to keep an eye on the Chosen One (and make sure he kills Voldemort). But with the Golden Trio suspicious and America thinking he's been abducted by aliens, it's going to be a lot harder than he thought. Rated T since I'm paranoid.
1. Off to Hogwarts!

**Hello! I know I should be working on my PJO/APH crossover, but I am fresh out of ideas for it right now, so I'm kinda taking a break from it until I get good ideas. And plus, we all need more Harry Potter/Hetalia crossovers, even if there are already like 500 of 'em. Anyways, hope you enjoy it and don't forget to review~!**

 **DISCLAIMER DOG: RUSSIA'S MAGIC PIPE OWNS NOTHIN BUT THE PLOT. HARRY POTTER BELONGS TO J. K. ROWLING AND HETALIA BELONGS TO HIDEKAZ HIMARUYA.**

* * *

 **England POV**

And England's life just got that much more miserable.

First there was that Grindelwald fellow that England had to bear with, then Voldemort came in, should've died, but _nooooooo,_ he _had_ to use Harry Potter's blood to come back fully alive. To make it worse, England couldn't kill him, due to Tom Marvolo Riddle being his own citizen. Countries couldn't kill their own people, that would be like killing a bit of their self. They could harm them as much as possible, but not kill them. England hated that rule. He couldn't even destroy a Horcrux if he wanted to. Who knew being a country personification had so many standards?

And of course, like every other Hitler-wannabe, Voldemort liked to go on occasional killing sprees, making England throw up blood and maybe one or two vital regions every now and then. Magical killings hurt 10x worse than normal ones, _and that fact REALLY WASN'T HELPING!_

Second, his Ministry was doing nothing to help. Rather, they were making it worse. Fudge was being a stubborn a**hole and not ready to admit that Voldemort was really back, and England couldn't go and give him a good smack upside the head, since he hadn't been in contact with the Ministry for about maybe a century, give or take a few years and it would be very suspicious if he just showed up and demanded to smack the Minister of Magic. Bloody fools.

So while England was silently cursing (not the magical kind) his Ministry, Voldemort, and the bloody Frog, he was caught off guard when a large masked owl he recognized as Dumbledore's swooped into his room, and landed rudely on his head, its talons digging into his hair and eyebrows.

"Wha-GET OFF, YOU BLOODY OWL-" England sputtered, grabbing at the owl.

Most animals/magical creatures recognized their country immediately, and paid utmost respect. England didn't know what was wrong with Dumbledore's, but this owl seemed to go out of his way to torture England. He would never forget that one night when England stumbled home, drunk, and woke up the next morning with a huge headache. He had looked up to see an owl tail above his face, then _splat_. Bird sh*te on his face right when he woke up with a hangover. Later he also saw that his entire Dr. Who DVD stash had been burned into ashes. How an _owl_ managed that, he would never know...

"Alright, what're you going to do now, you blasted bird?" England snarled. The owl simply hooted and lifted its foot with the letter to England. He wasn't sure if he was imagining things, but did it look slightly disappointed?

England ripped off the letter quickly and backed away, still wary. Fortunately, the owl really did do nothing, just glared and flew off.

"Bloody bird..." he muttered, opening the letter.

Its contents were something about Dumbledore asking him to be a professor at Hogwarts or something, and England was about to toss the thing in the fire, and continue ranting about his crappy situation, and how Harry Potter could die any moment- wait.

England thought for a moment. _Harry Potter is the only one who can defeat Voldemort, and if he dies, then we're all screwed. But if I teach there, I will get to watch him and make sure that he survives. After all, I'm near-immortal and have a very high tolerance of all spells and potions. What could happen?_

England looked at the letter more carefully this time.

 _Dear Arthur,_

 _Hello old friend! You see, I have a recent opening in my staff in Hogwarts, for the 'History of Magic' subject. I know that you are well-educated, and would like to request that you take the spot, if it isn't too much of a bother for your current Muggle job. Owl me if you would like to take the spot, and do try a lemon drop sometime._

 _Your dear friend,_

 _Albus_

England picked up a pen (not a quill, pens were much easier to use) and started to write Dumbledore back.

 **~Awesome (but not as awesome as Prussia) Time Skippie~**

"Hello, Arthur. Glad to see you accepted my offer. Lemon drop?"

"Ah, no thank you."

"Shame," Dumbledore commented, popping the sweet into his own mouth.

"I must say, Arthur, you look the exact same as the first time we met, which was nearly fifteen years ago. Even I have aged," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling curiously. He didn't know that England was a nation, but England was pretty sure that he would figure it out sooner or later. However, England didn't like telling his people. Them finding out by themselves was much more interesting.

"I have the nature to look younger than I appear to be, Albus," England replied. Well, that was true, right? He was hundreds of years old, and only looked 23.

Dumbledore's eyes did the twinkle thing again.

"Very well. Now, I know that you qualify as a professor, so there's no need to interrogate you more, Arthur. I will see you on September 1 at the welcoming feast!" Dumbledore concluded, eating another lemon drop.

"Thank you for the offer, Albus," England, waving a farewell and Disapparated back to his mansion in his place.

England walked to his basement, where all his wizarding supplies were. His wand, (9 inches, pine, Chimera scale fragment core, and very rigid **(1)** ), his (slightly dusty) green robes, a very old broomstick that fell apart the moment England touched it, a safe full of Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts, some Dark Magick and Old Magick spellbooks, and other various things. England gathered up all his necessary items, and stuffed them into his trunk (that had appeared out of nowhere, and had the UK flag on the front).

Now for the problem with the monthly world meetings...

England couldn't exactly just leave for a day each month just to go to a useless meeting where nothing got done, so he had to ask one of his siblings to represent him. But which one...?

Northern Ireland was too anti-social.

Scotland would bring Nessie.

Wales would probably manage to declare World War III.

Ireland had her own country to take care of.

No way in hell was Sealand going.

If Falkland Islands went, Argentina would probably start another war to claim him. **(2)**

Seychelles also had her own country.

Hong Kong would blow up everything (and China wouldn't let him go anyways).

Australia had his country too.

And same with New Zealand.

Well, he could probably spend all afternoon coming up with reasons why his siblings couldn't go to meetings. But since he was technically going to be on Scotland's land at Hogwarts, he figured he should ask him. England took out his iPhone 6, and dialed Scotland's number.

"Hey, Scot, can you do me a favor..."

And after a very long, agonizing, 2 hours of shouting (and cursing, not the magical kind), England had finally managed to convince Scotland to take his place.

Of course, that included giving Scot 10 barrels of Scotch, and all the paperwork being left to England.

He hoped that was worth it.

 **ONE WEEK LATER**

 **(SpongeBob Style)**

 **Harry POV**

"Who's that?" Ron asked while a first year with a name Harry couldn't pronounce was Sorted into Gryffindor.

"That's Euan Abercrombie, Ronald. Weren't you paying any attention to the Sorting?" Hermione replied.

Ron shook his head, "Not the midget, 'Mione. That bloke at the High Table with those Velcro-things on his face. Is he a new professor?" He then pointed at a man with messy blonde hair that could compete with Harry's, forest green eyes, green robes (lotta green there), and perhaps his most defining features- a pair of inhumanly thick eyebrows on his face.

"Um, I think those are his _eyebrows_ , mate," Harry said, squinting. Ron's mouth fell open.

"Blimey, no way! It isn't possible! Eyebrows aren't that big! D'you reckon he got hexed?" Ron mused.

"Ron! That's awfully rude! Although he does look quite young to be teaching. I wonder if he's capable enough..." Hermione trailed off with a thoughtful look on her face.

"And she's the one to talk..." Ron muttered, probably thinking of all the times Hermione had lectured them on subjects until they could answer any question she asked within 0.5 seconds. Harry never liked those lectures and immediately forgot everything afterwards.

Food suddenly appeared on the 'Golden Trio's' plates, (Snape had come up with the title to label them as attention-seeking brats) making them jump.

Harry looked at Ron, who was already digging into some roasted potatoes and sweatdropped.

"Of course you're already eating..."

Hermione swatted Ron.

"Hey!"

"Don't eat like a pig, Ronald!"

 **~Invisible (but not as invisible as Canada) Time Skip~**

"Now that we have all been fed and watered (like pigs), let me introduce some new staff members this year. Professor Grubby-Plank will take over Care of Magical Creatures, (while Hagrid's gone chasing giants)." Dumbledore paused for effect as Professor Grubby-Plank waved a hello.

"Professor Umbridge will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts." A lady dressed all in pink who looked like a toad stood and waved.

"I hope we'll all be great friends!" She said in a squeaky girly voice that made Harry want to throw up.

"And Professor Kirkland will be taking over History of Magic," Dumbledore finished as Eyebrows stood and waved. A round of applause came at this.

"Old Binns has been replaced, Harry! It's a dream come true!" Ron exclaimed.

" _Hem, hem."_

"Ron, that's rude! Professor Binns was a fantastic teacher!" Hermione protested.

"Well you're the only one who can actually stay awake during his lessons," Harry pointed out.

"Let's just hope he isn't as boring as Binn's is..." Ron said.

 **" _Hem, hem."_**

"Binns was a great professor!"

"Come on 'Mione, we all know-"

 _ **"HEM, HEM!"**_

Everyone turned towards the High Table.

"Hey wait a minute, that lady was at my trial!" Harry whispered.

Hermione and Ron gave him a look that said, 'You couldn't think of this at a better time?'

"Pay attention, children. I expect full attention on my speech," Umbridge squeaked in her girly voice.

"Now, as a Ministry Official, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah expectations blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Ministry blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Harry's a fat liar blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Dumbledore's a liar too blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah from now on blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Minister of Magic says we will have to blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah changes blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Muggles, mudbloods, and half-breeds are inferior to purebloods blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah pink looks great on me blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Kirkland here is hot- I DIDN'T MEAN THAT blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. And that concludes my speech," she finished. Harry blinked. He hadn't caught any of that. At all.

"Welp," Ron started.

"That was a load of waffle," Harry finished. Hermione stared at them.

"Your ability to understand speeches is even lower than I thought," she said, sounding impressed. "I'll tell you what that load of waffle meant. It means that the Ministry is interfering at Hogwarts."

 **(and all that stuff)**

 **England POV**

He just couldn't escape the Ministry, could he?

And even worse...

Umbridge, that... _toad_ , that girly _toad..._

Had...

A...

F***ing _crush..._

On him.

THE WORLD WAS ENDING!

He even had proof! Umbridge-

"Hello, your name is Arthur Kirkland, right? Well, I was thinking I could visit your office sometime," Umbridge suggested, her toady face turning a delicate shade of pink.

God, she was like a Fem!Frog! Wait there's already one...2p!Fem!Frog already existed too...point was, Umbridge was TOO MUCH LIKE FRANCE IT WAS DRIVING HIM F***ING CRAZY! England saw Minerva give him a pitying look, and Dumbledore looked amused. That old cot...

His people naturally felt an attachment to their nation, but some were more attached than others. And of _course,_ Umbridge had to be one of those people. Fate really did hate England. Then again, England hated fate.

He saw Umbridge get a tad closer.

 _WHY ME?!_

* * *

 **(1)- I did a whole lot of research on this:**

 _ **Pine- The straight-grained pine wand always chooses an independent, individual master who may be perceived as a loner, intriguing and perhaps mysterious. Pine wands enjoy being used creatively, and unlike some others, will adapt unprotestingly to new methods and spells. Many wandmakers insist that pine wands are able to detect, and perform best for, owners who are destined for long lives, and I can confirm this in as much as I have never personally known the master of a pine wand to die young. The pine wand is one of those that is most sensitive to non-verbal magic.**_

 _ **Chimera scale fragment- Although chimera scales are magically powerful, they are extremely rare in modern wandcraft. This is not out of any concern for safety, as they are generally considered no more stubborn than hippogriff feathers, and are more stable than Erumpent hide. The fact of the matter is that there are more recorded basilisk slayings in the past fifty years than there are chimera slayings in all of recorded history. This one slaying occurred in Greece over two millenia ago, so what scales were harvested at that time have been degraded, broken, and dispersed.**_  
 _ **Today, they are only found as parts of heirloom cores, and even then, all such cores are a more common core (often dragon heartstring) with a tiny fragment of scale embedded. Chimera wands are most common in Greece and the Balkans, although as they were circulated through the Mediterranean and former Roman Empire they are found throughout Europe. These wands are prized for their raw power, although they are difficult to control.**_

 _ **Rigid- hardest to learn and cast, most powerful**_

 _ **9 inches- Length is mostly a matter of preference, although you will rarely see a 7-inch wand bond to someone who will grow to a large stature. The length of a wand does often follow with how the wizard or witch will grow.**_

 **I copied and pasted these italicized paragraphs above from online at a site called 'Mischief Managed' and I didn't write this info the people at the site did not me.**

 **(2)- Not an actual character in Hetalia, but we learned about in social studies, and Falkland Islands even has its own Twitter account, and they call Argentina 'big bully Argentina'. And I'm over here thinking,'Hetalia...Hetalia everywhere...'. So I couldn't put the idea down. He might show up later.**

 **Lol, poor Iggy! Of all the people to get stuck with...**

 **Anyways, I'll hopefully update faster on this fic than other my PJO/APH fic, but if I don't, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I'M INNOCENT! I HAVE RELATIVES IN BROOKLYN- and yeah, don't slaughter me. Ok? And don't forget to review!**

 **~Russia's Magic Pipe ^J^**


	2. Iggy the Teacher

**Chappie 2 is here! Special thanks to Gwntan12 for being the first reviewer! Enjoy and don't forget to review!**

 **DISCLAIMER DOG: MAGIC PIPE NO OWN HARRY POTTER OR HETALIA**

* * *

 **Scotland POV**

 **(I can't do Scottish accents. Deal with it.)**

Of course the world meeting this month was on the day his wee 'lil brother started teaching at HIS school, Hogwarts. No matter what England said, Hogwarts was in _Scotland's_ land. Not England. Sure, England represented all of them, but there was still a personification of _Scotland_ for a reason.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" Scotland heard Germany yell. It was amazing how fast all the noise quieted after that.

"Since Italy is zhe host today, he vill be doing attendance, and zis meeting CANNOT END UP LIKE ZHE LAST 200 MEETINGS! UNDERSTOOD?"

Nobody even bothered replying.

"Ve~ let's start! Afghanistan?"

"Here."

The list went on in alphabetical order, until it finally reached him.

"United Kingdom of Great Britain and Norfurn-Nordurn- **(1)** F*** it! Ve~England, you here?"

"Here."

"Wait a minute!" America yelled. Everyone turned to face him.

He pointed towards Scotland.

"Did you get drunk last night?"

Silence.

"WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT, YOU IDIOT AMERICAN?!"

"Well, your hair is dyed red, you changed your accent, and you're wearing some sort of skirt thingie!"

"IT'S CALLED A KILT!"

"My, my, _Amerique_ ," France started, "This eez not our dear _Angelterre_. 'E's Scotland."

America squinted hard.

"Oh yeah! Hey Scottie, dude! How come you didn't say so? By the way, where's Iggy?" He asked.

"England's teaching at _my_ magic school," Scotland replied, still bitter about that land issue.

"Don't be silly, Scot! Magic doesn't exist...waaaaait... *insert sudden dramatic gasp* IGGY'S BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!"

China frowned. "Of course magic exists aru, we all have our own magical communities aru. And Opium can't have been abducted by aliens aru, Scotland just said that he was teaching aru-"

"HE'S BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!"

" _Dummkopf,_ he's _teaching-"_

"HE'S BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!"

"Stop being so stubborn, _Amerique. Angelterre_ eez teaching, whezer we like eet or not-"

"HE'S BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!"

"...I agree with America-san..."

"MAN UP, JAPAN! OR I'LL BEAT JOU VITH MY PEACE PRIZE! Anyvays, England hasn't been abducted, he's _teaching-"_

"HE'S BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!"

"JESUS! JUST SHUT UP AMERICA! HE'S TEACHING AT MY F***ING MAGIC SCHOOL!" Scotland roared. What was wrong with England's raising children skills? Maybe Scotland himself should've raised America. Nah, it's be too much work.

"But magic doesn't exist-"

"YES IT DOES!" Everyone roared.

"Besides, Iggy's been abducted by aliens-"

"NO HE HASN'T!" Everyone yelled again.

Scotland was twitching, annoyed. Exactly _what_ had his little brother signed him up for? It'd better be worth those 10 barrels of Scotch he was promised.

Meanwhile, America was still hell-bent on saying England had been abducted by aliens and that he would rescue him or whatever crap that idiot was sprouting...

Suddenly Scotland was struck with a great idea.

"America."

"Yeah, Scot?"

"There's a form of communication in the UK called a 'Howler'. You can talk to England that way. See, it..."

After (sort of) explaining what a Howler did and how it worked to America, Scotland allowed himself one evil grin. He wasn't going to let England off so easily for putting him in this situation for nine months.

 **England POV**

Thankfully, England had successfully avoided the Toad after the feast and all night. **(All you people with disturbing thoughts can now start squealing. Yes, you too, France.)** And all morning in the hallways. And he had managed to seat himself as far away as possible from the Toad at the High Table during breakfast. Which was why so far, he was having a great day.

Until the Howler.

Yup, good luck never stuck around him for too long. He had just taken one bite of toast when he saw the familiar shape of Scotland's barn owl fly in, a very noticeable red letter in its talons. Of course his brother would try doing something like this...

England froze, trying to blend into the background like that guy Camry...no, Can...Can- Canada! Yeah, like Canada always did. Unfortunately, it didn't work. Scotland's owl came flying right towards him with the dreaded letter.

 **Harry POV**

Harry's owl, Hedwig, came flying with the other owls into the Great Hall. As usual, Hedwig had no mail.

"Harry, look at that! Who d'you think got a Howler already? Classes haven't even started yet!" Ron exclaimed, pointing to a barn owl with a red Howler in its claws.

Harry shrugged. "I dunno, but whoever did is pretty unlucky."

Harry, Hermione, and Ron watched the owl fly to the High Table- wait, to the HIGH TABLE?!

Ron's mouth dropped.

"A PROFESSOR got a Howler?! That's got to be the first time ever in the history of Hogwarts!" Ron gasped.

"Actually, in _Hogwarts, A History,_ Godric Gryffindor got a Howler once from his grandmother for not visiting her on her birthday **(2)** ," Hermione informed.

"I stand corrected," Ron said.

It turned out that the Howler was for the new professor, Professor Kirkland.

Ron whistled. "His first day here, and he's already gotten one. Wonder if it's from his grandmum too?"

The letter landed smack-dab in the middle of Kirkland's plate and immediately started smoking (as well as ruining his toast). Kirkland quickly grabbed at it, but it was too late and the Howler started, with an American accent yelling at them.

 _" **HEY ENGLAND, ARE YOU OKAY? AFTER ALL, YOU'VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS-"**_

 _ **"HE'S TEACHING!"**_ A loud wave of annoyed voices roared.

 _ **"-HE'S BEEN ABDUCTED, AND I AS THE HERO, WILL RESCUE YOU, IGGY!"**_ Some people snorted at Kirkland's given nickname, 'Iggy'. The big-browed professor sure didn't look like an 'Iggy', especially with his expression right now.

 _ **"WE TOLD YOU ZHAT 'E EEZ TEACHING, AMERIQUE. AND ANGELTERRE, WHY MUST YOU ABANDON ME WITH ZHESE IDIOTS-"**_ A man with a distinct French accent was cut off.

 _ **"HEY!"**_

 _ **"-AND AMERIQUE 'ERE MISSES YOU, EVEN EEF 'E WEELL NOT ADMIT EET-"**_

 _ **"I DO NOT MISS IGGY, FRENCHIE! HE'S BEEN ABDUCTED-"**_

 _ **"NO HE HASN'T, HE'S TEACHING!"**_

 _ **"HE'S BEEN ABDUCTED! AND I WILL RESCUE YOU IGGY, AS THE HERO WITH MY FELLOW ALLIES AS BACKUP!"**_

 _ **"I WILL NOT BE YOUR CANNON FODDER AGAIN ARU, AMERICA!"**_ A Chinese accent screamed at this 'America'.

 _ **"FRANCE, YOU'LL BE MY BACKUP! RUSSIA, CHINA, SO WILL YOU! AND I'LL BE THE HERO AS WE RESCUE ENGLAND FROM THE ALIENS-"**_

 _ **"HE'S TEACHING!"**_

 _ **"HE'S BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!"**_

 _ **"HE'S TEACHING!"**_

The argument went on in the background as a louder, drunken voice with a Scottish accent spoke.

 _ **"OH AND, *HIC* 'LIL BRO, YOUR *HIC* PAPERWORK WILL COME IN *HIC* THE MAIL LATER, AND YOU *HIC* STILL OWE ME *HIC* 10 BARRELS OF SCOTCH!"**_

With that, the Howler burst into flames and ended, with Professor 'Iggy' *snicker* Kirkland looking extremely embarrassed and was red in the face. With what dignity and pride he had left, Kirkland exited the Great Hall, muttering loudly about an 'idiotic American git', being 'to sober for this', and some select curses (not the magical kind).

The Great Hall was silent for a moment before it bursted into its usual chatter and noise.

"That Kirkland bloke sure knows some barmy people," Ron commented, stabbing his eggs.

"Although why did they call themselves by country names? They can't all be named after countries, and we know that Professor Kirkland's name isn't 'England'," Hermione mused.

"I dunno, maybe they're nicknames for which country they're from? Kirkland's friends all seem to be from different countries," Harry suggested.

"That seems a little racist, and there's another issue. How is it all of Professor Kirkland's friends who sent the Howler seem to be from all over the world? That hardly seems like a coincidence. Also, his Scottish brother was talking about paperwork? What kind? Plus, Professor Kirkland is English, so how is it possible he has a Scottish brother? Did they not grow up together or-"

"Stop being so paranoid, 'Mione. It's only the first day," Ron interrupted. Hermione looked slightly less suspicious, but she still shrugged.

"I guess you're right, but I'm going to look in the library later."

"I swear, that girl is going to turn into a book someday, with all the times she's going to the library," Ron whispered. Harry nodded in agreement.

 **England POV**

Once England was sure he was out of sight, he lost his 'gentleman' composure and swore for about 5 minutes straight.

Damn it, he _knew_ Scotland would try something like this. England had put him in nine months' worth of torture with world meetings and the Frog and America, for Pete's sake. And England had gotten publicly humiliated on the first day, even before classes!

England felt like going into his office to write back Scotland and give him a piece of his mind and tell America that he wasn't abducted by aliens, but he had to get ready for the first History of Magic class with 5th year Gryffindors. Harry Potter and those two other guys would be in that class, wouldn't they?

 **~Heroic (but not as heroic as America) Time Skip~**

England cleared his throat. He noticed that quite a number of people were staring at him, probably because of the Howler incident.

"Well, as Albus said last night, I am your new History of Magic professor, Professor Kirkland. I hope that I won't be as boring as your last professor. I heard from Albus that he was quite dull to learn from," he started. England heard some students chuckle at that.

"Now, can anyone tell me what you have learnt last year?"

The bushy-haired girl that hung around Harry, Hermione Granger, raised her hand.

"Yes, Granger?"

"Erm, we learned about goblin rebellions." England looked at her. Was that it?

"And the year before?"

"Also...goblin rebellions..." England frowned. Hermione didn't seem like the type of girl to lie or prank teachers. Was old Cuthbert Binns really that bad of a teacher?

"So you're telling me that the only thing you've learnt in this class were goblin rebellions?!"

"Well...we did learn a bit about the Chamber of Secrets once...but yes, professor, we pretty much only studied goblin rebellions."

England stared some more. Exactly why would students be learning only about goblin rebellions and for some reason, that Chamber that Salazar built? (originally as a shelter for his pet basilisk)

"Well then," he finally said. "I'm going to have to start from the beginning, then." He then waved his wand and the chalk wrote: _Origin of Magic._

"Oh, and by the way, you won't have to bring your textbooks everyday. If the only things you learned about were goblin rebellions, then those textbooks won't be very useful," he said. England saw most of them sigh in relief, probably since they forgot their books. Kids these days...

"Now, as your OWLs are coming up, and you've barely learnt anything useful, we will have to cram quite a bit of history, but try your best to keep up. Any questions?"

Nobody raised their hands.

"Then let's start. You see, magic was first found in Ancient Egypt, Ancient China, and in what is now modern-day Great Britain. Back in Egypt, wizards and witches favored staffs more, and a majority of the pyramids built back then were built with magic, by the wizards..."

 **~Sleepy (but not as sleepy as *yawn* Greece) Time Skip~**

 **Harry POV**

"That was the most interesting History of Magic I've ever attended," Harry commented afterwards.

"I know! Blimey, he even had an original staff from Ancient Egypt that hadn't crumbled to bits yet! How do you even get one of those?" Ron exclaimed.

"And the way he teaches is with so much charisma! Oh, even you won't be able to fail your History OWL, with the way Professor Kirkland teaches," Hermione fangirled.

"Don't tell me you fancy him!" Ron suddenly burst out.

"I do not fancy Professor Kirkland, Ronald. Where'd you even get the idea?"

"Err..." Ron stuttered, the tips of his ears turning red. Harry suddenly felt a bit awkward.

"Umm...shouldn't we be getting to our next lesson...?" He cut in, trying to lighten the atmosphere.

"Oh yes! Hurry up, or we'll be late for Potions! Come on, Harry, Ron," Hermione said, tugging them along.

"Well, now that he's taught, Hermione is suddenly not suspicious at all, huh?" Ron muttered to Harry.

"I heard that, Ronald!"

 **England POV**

Well, that wasn't too bad of a lesson, was it?

He thought that those fifth years had looked rather impressed with his teaching. England wasn't so sure what Dumbledore was thinking, hiring old Binns in the first place. Now everyone would have to cram like crazy.

He paused in the middle of his train of thought as a rather toady-looking owl flew through the doorway into his office. It landed on England's desk, holding its foot out, which held a pink letter.

England suddenly had a bad feeling about who sent this...

He read the note, and almost threw up.

 _Dear Arthur,_

 _I was wondering if you would want to come over to my office tonight for a cup of tea. Or I could come to your office, of course. But it would certainly be best if you came here~._

 _I am awaiting your arrival, Arthur. (This would be a good time to remember that I am an important Ministry official, sweetie.)_

 _Dolores Jane Umbridge_

Great. Now he had a fixed date *insert gagging noise here* with the Toad. Worst thing was, he couldn't even avoid it, since the Toad had so much power in the Ministry, and could fire him anytime. England wasn't willing to take that risk. Maybe cutting off all ties from the Ministry wasn't a very good idea after all...

He saw the next batch of students enter the room. England would worry about that later. Right now he had kids to teach.

* * *

 **(1)- Yeah, Italy can't pronounce the word 'northern'. I dunno why I put that in.**

 **(2)- This probably never actually happened in the real Harry Potter. I just made up something on the spot for the sake of more dialogue.**

 **Sorry if Scotland's OOC, I don't know his character really well so...**

 **And yeah, I put a Howler in. Had to, because Howlers are in pretty much every Hetalia/Harry Potter story that was ever written.**

 **So finally a bit of plot! America's going crazy over aliens, Umbridge has already got poor old Iggy on a date *insert gagging noise here*, Hermione's already a little suspicious, Ron's jealous, Harry's confused, and Iggy, well, good luck with Umbridge in the next chapter!**

 **Ciao!**

 **~Russia's Magic Pipe ^J^**


	3. Let's Go Save Iggy!

**Chapter 3's here!**

 **Oh and if I didn't make this clear- this fanfic takes place during the present, just because I don't know how things worked in the 1900s, and I'm too lazy to search everything up, so it takes place during the present.**

 **DISCLAIMER- MAGIC PIPE NO OWN HETALIA OR HARRY POTTER OR THE COVER PHOTO.**

* * *

 **Canada POV**

Being invisible sucked, but it had a few perks too.

Such as not being noticed when America started dragging the Allies off to 'rescue' England from aliens, after Scotland had actually given him an 8 hour lecture on the fact that England was at Hogwarts, not in a UFO.

That somehow led America to the conclusion that Scotland had arranged for England to be kidnapped by Scottish aliens. How are aliens Scottish? They're _aliens,_ not even from _Earth,_ much less Scotland. His brother was more of an idiot than he thought...

Which led to his current situation- America kidnapping the Allies to go with him to Scotland to 'save' England.

"Come on, France, England's been kidnapped by aliens and they might be Pictonians invading Earth again, come on France, be the hero for once! Wha- no, your hair will be fine! Probably..."

"Err...well, uh, Russia! My old communist bastard buddy! How about joining us to rescue England? I'll buy you a new pipe! Sunflowers! What- is that not good enough? Uh...your creepy incest sister won't stalk you in Scotland!"

"China! My other old communist buddy! Oh yeah, I still owe you money, but don't worry, I'll pay it off later! What?! I don't say that every time you ask! Anyways, help me go save Iggy from the aliens! Emergency rations? Yeah, we have those..."

In the end, America had just ended up stuffing France and China into brown sacks and stuffing them in hs car. Canada knew this because he watched it happen. Russia was just smiling the whole time.

And Canada went unnoticed. He made it! Canada could just chill the whole time America was away, eating pancakes and maple syrup, and feeding Kumarojo, all that typical Canadian stuff, without America smashing his face with baseballs or stamping his head with the American flag. Maybe being invisible wasn't too bad after all...

"Hey Canadia! I almost forgot you! Us old Allies willl be rescuing Iggy!"

...or not.

 **~Time Skippie~**

"This is my baby! Right here!" America said, waving at...a plane. It was shiny and white with a big American flag painted on its side. Canada could see why America liked it, but really, that was some obsession his brother had with planes.

"Isn't she beautiful?" America cooed, now kissing the plane.

There was an awkward moment of silence while the Allies watched America kiss a plane.

"Who did you have it with?" Russia asked casually.

"Wha? I didn't-"

"A prostitute, perhaps? Or a-"

"France, you know didn't give birth to a plane!"

"Are you sure? Did a pretty lady plane come into your be-"

"Shut up aru! It doesn't matter if America had sex with a plane, I just want to get this stupid thing over with aru!"

"But I didn't do _it_ with a plane, who would do that anyway?"

"Shut up-"

"I mean, a plane?!"

" _Shut up-"_

"And also, this isn't stupid, because Iggy has been abducted by Scottish aliens, and we need to be heroes!"

"I SAID TO SHUT UP ARU!" China howled.

America sighed, apparently not noticing that the 4,000+ year old country was breathing hard and fuming.

"Alright, everyone on her," America said, gesturing towards his plane.

The Allies went on reluctantly, and Canada could've sworn he heard France murmur something about how perverted this felt. And how China told him to shut up afterwards.

 **America POV**

America watched his fellow backups board his baby. He didn't like it, but commercial planes would take forever. America kissed the outside one more time, then he went on as well.

What he saw inside gave him a nasty shock.

Russia was going around, smashing parts of his baby that had the American flag on it, France was snoozing on his seats, China was raiding the snacks, and he didn't see Canadia anywhere.

"WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" America howled, his eyes dramatically popping out. Then he toppled over.

 **Canada POV**

"I always knew capitalist pigs were weak, but Amerika really is weak, da?" Russia said, breaking the silence (again).

Canada sighed. With America out, he didn't think anyone else knew how to properly fly a partially broken plane (remember, Russia broke the parts with an American flag).

"So does anyone know how to fly a partially broken American plane, eh?" Canada asked.

To his surprise, France turned around and replied, "I don't zhink so. I only fly French planes."

China looked at France curiously. "I thought you were asleep aru?"

France winked. "Just a nap~."

Russia raised a hand. "I can fly America's female child, da?"

"Eh...I'm not sure if that's a good idea, eh..." Canada muttered, but fortunately (unfortunately for America) for him, Russia didn't notice (like always).

The flight was anything but okay. The Allies were gripping the seats in a panic, since Russia was a terrible pilot. Every time it shifted, Canada swore Russia laughed a bit and continued flying casually as if everything was fine. It was a miracle that America never woke up. And the plane ride was like 19 hours, too.

When they finally landed, the plane exploded the moment they touched the ground. Being nations, the explosion didn't kill them, but America woke up.

He blinked and looked around, muttering, "What's happened this time, Tony?"

"I blew up your female child," Russia said, bending over America, smiling casually.

America shot up and gripped his head, staring at the wreckage around him. And started screaming bloody murder.

Ten minutes later, America was still screaming.

Russia smacked him lightly with his pipe. "I recommend you stop screaming, da?"

America turned around and glared pitchforks at him. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" He dashed to the rubble and cradled a piece of the plane.

"Oh, my baby, you didn't deserve that, I'll give you a proper funeral, I'm sure I'll be able to bury all the pieces left of you-"

 _FWOOOSH._

America jumped back quickly, as the remains burst into flames and almost burned his eyebrows off. After the fire settled down, there was nothing but a pile of dust.

"Well, zhere aren't any pieces left for you to bury..." France trailed off, seeing the murderous expression on America's face.

"SHUT UP! MY BEAUTIFUL PLANE WAS PRECIOUS TO ME! SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL! SHE DIDN'T DESERVE AN EARLY DEATH! OH, MY BABY-"

America was suddenly cut off and collapsed, revealing a certain Russian peering out from behind his head, holding a pipe, and smiling.

"That should solve it, da?"

 **~Time Skippie~**

"Where should we be going?" Russia, who was carrying America bridle style, asked, after they had wandered around for awhile.

"Well, zhis eez Angelterre's place. I don't zhink any of us know where 'Ogwarts eez," France replied.

"I thought you went to Opium's school last year for that competition aru," China said.

"Well, we got zhere in a dramatic French way. We didn't go through a wall at 9¾ platform in zhe train station in King's Cross," France said.

Everyone stared at him for a minute.

"I thought you said you didn't know how to get to Hogwarts aru! Fàguó (France), you liar aru!"

"I don't! I know zhe location, but not 'ow to get zhere! Technically, I wasn't lying, Chine (China)!"

"It seems someone needs punishment, da?" Russia said, closing in on France.

"For once I agree with Russia aru. France needs some discipline aru~," China said, his eyes gleaming.

"Non! Non! Russie (Russia), Chine (China)! 'Elp! Oh no- OW! Non! My beautiful 'air!"

Canada stood there, thankful that he wasn't the one being beat up. Russia's pipe and China's wok was something nobody wanted to experience together.

"Eh...I think France has been beat up enough now, eh..." Canada murmured. China seemed to hear this and nodded in agreement. He released France, who promptly started crying over his hair.

"Canada has a point, aru. France's punished enough. We just have to wait until dinner aru to buy him something English aru," China reasoned.

"So now do we ask how to get to Hogwarts, da?"

"Well, yes, aru, but it might be better to ask where King's Cross is so people aren't suspicious-"

"You know where Hogwarts is, da?"

A woman with strange pink hair and robes faced Russia. This woman was probably a witch, judging from her clothes...and wand that was sticking out from her sleeve...and the hair...wizards really needed a lesson in dressing properly so they weren't blurting out, "Hey I'm a witch! Come and get me!"

"I do know where Hogwarts is. Why are you going there?" she asked, carefully eying America's limp body and France's position.

"We need to find someone aru-"

"-to kill them!" Russia interrupted happily. China and Canada slammed a palm onto their heads. It was bad enough carrying an unconscious country around, but now a witch thought that they were assassins. Things were just getting worse, weren't they?

The woman's expression turned into a horrified face, and she sent a red spell zipping towards Russia, probably the Stunning Spell. Russia, since he was a nation, probably didn't feel much, and the woman looked even more frightened. Then again, she had a reason, since this was the Great and Fearful Russia she just tried to stun.

Luckily for her, the pink-haired woman Apparated away before the Great and Powerful Russia pummeled her with his pipe, probably to inform someone that there were assassins out there who were immune to spells. See, this was why Canada would've stayed home with his syrup and Kumajuno...maple, he left Kumacarol back at his place. All that maple syrup would be gone...

"Great, aru. Now practically all of Opium's magic people will think we are some sort of assassins aru," China complained, voicing Canada's thoughts (about the assassin part. Not Kumamono)

"Not only zhat, my 'air eez ruined!" France yelled, still frantically fixing his hair.

"Why do you care so much about your hair? Perhaps for your next punishment, I can cut it~ kolkolkol~," Russia koled.

For once France didn't shiver or act scared at all, he simply said, "Russia, French 'air eez always zhe best! Eet will be a shame eef my 'air eez not properly done, non? Besides, we French need good 'air for sparkles!"

"Sparkles aru?"

"Oui, Chine! We French 'ave our French sparkles! We may not be sparkley vampires like in Amerique's Twilight movies, or German sparkle parties, but we 'ave zhe French Sparkle!"

The Allies stared at France, who was sparkling, right on cue.

"Do you get this guy? I don't- WHY THE _F*CK_ IS COMMIE BASTARD CARRYING ME?!" America yowled, struggling to get out of Russia's tight grip.

"If you want, can drop you off a mountain, da?"

"I'd rather fall off a mountain than stay in your hands any longer!"

"Those are your words, not mine, Amerika."

"Then go drop me off a damn mountain! The hero will survive and save you all from the commie!"

"Kolkolkol..."

"Aiyah aru! Fighting isn't going to solve anything aru!"

"Eet's not like we know 'ow to get to Angelterre's school!"

"Why are we even heading to Hogwarts, eh? Can't we just fly back?"

"Canadia's right aru! America, this is all your fault that we are stuck here aru! Be thankful that at least Opium has airports aru!"

"But we have to rescue Iggy from the aliens!"

"'E 'as not been abducted by aliens, Amerique! We told you zhat Angelterre eez at 'is magic school!"

"HE'S BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS, DAMMIT!"

America leapt out of Russia's arms, pointing in a random direction.

"We'll start searching over there for Iggy!"

Before anyone could interrupt, America stormed off and started 'searching'.

"What eez up with 'im?" France asked.

Canada shrugged.

"Let's go find out, da?" Russia said, following America.

* * *

 **No Iggy this chapter, but the next will! (I think. It takes awhile for me to get up and stop procrastinating, start typing, make edits, and finally decide that it's perfect. Cuz I'm a perfectionist.)**

 **~PROPOGANDA TIME~**

 _ **-Featuring China, Russia, and America-**_

 **The Black Triangle Trio are stuck in Camp Half-Blood as 12 year olds! Everyone thinks they're unclaimed demigods! Chiron somehow recognizes China from like a million years ago! Weird things start happening around them! Their country status is in danger! And Belarus is going to go massacre a bunch of people!**

 **Read _The Black Triangle Really Messed Up This Time!_ A Percy Jackson and Hetalia crossover! Now!**

 **Remember to review!**

 **Ciao! ~Russia's Magic Pipe**


	4. Suspicious People Have Suspicions

**Chappie 4 is finally here!**

 **Yeah...I've been procrastinating...**

 **But seriously, school and track have been taking up all my time and right when winter break started, we went on vacation, and blah, blah, blah, I probably have a million excuses that you guys don't want to hear.**

 **On another happy note, this story has _22 reviews!_ For like, 3 chapters! Thank you so much for reviewing! It helps a lot. And I'll stop talking now, so enjoy!**

 **HETALIA AND HARRY POTTER BELONG TO THEIR OWN OWNERS AND I NO OWN THEM. COVER PHOTO DOESN'T BELONG TO ME EITHER.**

* * *

 **Harry POV**

Harry James Potter officially put Umbridge as his least favorite professor. Even Snape hadn't been _this_ bad, and that was saying a lot.

He was heading to detention ( _cough_ , torture, _cough_ ) with Umbridge on Friday, the day Angelina had set for Gryffindor Quidditch try outs. She had nearly snapped his head off when she heard that Harry still had detention tonight and couldn't participate in them. That girl was _scary._

Merlin, if Harry actually did end up dead in Angelina's hands (that would be surprising; he'd always thought it'd be Voldemort that'd end up killing him), then at least everyone would know who to blame.

On the other hand, the other new professor, Professor Kirkland, was gaining more of Harry's respect. Professor Kirkland taught History of Magic and actually made it _interesting,_ making even Ron pay full attention in his classes.

That was probably why Harry was so confused when he heard Umbridge and Professor Kirkland talking in Umbridge's office. Least favorite professor talking with his (and probably everyone's) favorite professor? Not very likely. But it was happening anyway.

 _"...I did attend Hogwarts, Dolores. Perhaps it was just that nobody took any notice of me when I was in school."_

 _"Are you sure? Because..."_

Well, small talk wasn't what Harry expected, but took he this as an opportunity to slip away; the Quidditch try outs would've only started for a few seconds at this time. He wouldn't have to get his hand sliced open or his head bowled off after all, and he would get to watch Ron try out.

 _"...and why you have no Ministry files or records."_

Or not.

Harry rushed back to the door, putting his ear against the wood. Fred and George's Extendable Ears would've come in handy. Harry should've asked them for some before he left Grimmauld Place. Knowing them, the twins would probably make him try out a Puking Pastille in exchange for one if he had asked now.

Harry hoped listening to this conversation instead of watching Quidditch try outs was worth it. It was suspicious that Professor Kirkland didn't have any records at the Ministry. Harry thought that the moment you entered Hogwarts the Ministry started recording information, but somehow Kirkland didn't have anything on him? How was that possible?

 _"Dolores, maybe you saw wrong. I'm sure I have files in the Ministry,"_ Harry heard Professor Kirkland say.

 _"Arthur, Cornelius and I checked thoroughly for files on you, and I'm afraid we found none,"_ Umbridge replied.

 _"And why were you searching for files on me? Are you some sort of stalker, Professor Umbridge? I don't like stalkers,"_ Professor Kirkland said. Harry heard him add in a low voice, _"Natalya is bloody creepy enough and she stalks Ivan."_

(Harry mentally noted to stay away from a person named Natalya, if he ever met one.)

That seemed to momentarily stun Umbridge into speechlessness, which Professor Kirkland took as an advantage to excuse himself out the office. Unfortunately, Umbridge trailed right behind him and Harry had forgotten to move. It looked like he was going to get his hand sliced open, after all. And quite possibly, a missing head as well...

 **England POV**

England exhaled, relieved to be out of the hellish, pink office where Umbridge had invited him to. Well, more like threatened him to, since Umbridge had a high position in the Ministry, and was a major fangirl of Fudge. The toad had the power to complain the the idiotic Minister and he could lose his job if he wasn't careful.

So in hindsight, maybe isolating himself from the Ministry and the wizarding world for a couple decades wasn't such a good idea...

And now Umbridge knew he had no Ministry records. What concerned him almost as much was why Umbridge had searched for his records in the first place.

Much to England's obvious discomfort, Umbridge fancied him. Which was bad (no sh*te, Sherlock). She might've actually tried to stalk him, which would be a real pain in the neck, considering how _annoying_ she was. England hadn't accepted Dumbledore's job offering to attract ugly toads.

England couldn't think of any other reason Umbridge would want information on him. She was a half-blood, so Voldemort wouldn't have recruited her. And it was only the first week of him teaching, so there wasn't a reason to suspect him enough to search for files on Arthur Kirkland.

England rubbed his head, feeling a headache coming. Thank God he had brought Advil.

England reached into his pocket (he'd gotten a habit of keeping Advil in his pocket 24/7 ever since his first world meeting when England had discovered the wonders of the medicine) and swallowed a pill, expecting the headache to go away.

Unfortunately, it didn't. It just got worse.

England grumbled, annoyed, but his eyes widened considerably and he scowled when he realized exactly what the headache was: one effect of civil war on a nation.

England swore loudly. He f***ing _hated_ civil wars. It messed with a county's head, making them more or less insane, like 2 split personalities fighting inside their brain, which caused major headaches. Hell, America's other 'side' had literally become its own personification during his civil war.

There was a time during the late 1700's when the French frog had experienced a revolution in his country, and during that period of time France would slap him self in the face repeatedly. England sorely regretted that cameras had not been invented during that time period. It would've made good blackmail.

However, England didn't feel like slapping himself in the face for the next 10 years (or however long the magical civil war would last). These days, cameras did exist and he didn't want the frog getting any more dirt in him than he already had.

The best choice was to simply stay out of the issue altogether, but England couldn't just ignore a civil war brewing in Europe's 'greatest magical community'. Especially if it was his.

England swore again, slamming his head on his desk once he reached his office. It didn't help the headache, but at least it gave him something else to concentrate on.

 **~Time Skippie~**

 **Harry POV**

"Are you sure she said he didn't have any files?!"

"Yes, Hermione I heard the toad say-"

"Are you _sure?!"_

"Yes, I am! Umbridge said that Kirkland has no files in the Ministry!" Harry exclaimed. He glanced nervously at Madam Pince, who was glaring murderously at them.

"But how is that even possible? Every witch or wizard in Britain have some sort of records in the Ministry, even Squibs," Ron said in a quieter voice, also noticing Madam Pince's enraged state, and scribbled down some last-minute things on a Charms homework essay.

"Well, that would mean that Professor Kirkland isn't a citizen in Britain, or there was some sort of mistake, and he didn't get any records, which I doubt happened," Hermione responded. "What else did she say, Harry?"

"Well, Kirkland did mention that he went to Hogwarts-" Harry was abruptly cut off by Hermione.

"Wait... that can't be possible," she said, a confused look on her face.

Ron looked up from writing. "Why not?"

"Because, Ron, remember what Professor Kirkland said when he first introduced himself? He mentioned that it was _Dumbledore_ that told him Professors Binns was a terrible teacher. If Professor Kirkland really did go to Hogwarts, he would've known how bad Binns' reputation was, since Binns was teaching at Hogwarts possibly before we were even born. If Professor Kirkland really did go to Hogwarts, then he would've known firsthand how terrible Binns' teaching was," Hermione explained.

"I'm not going to ask how you specifically remember what Dumbledore and Kirkland said," Ron replied, blinking. "But, you did admit Binns was a terrible teacher," he added, grinning.

"Oh that was just an example, Ron. Professor Binns was an excellent professor," Hermione insisted stubbornly.

"Anyways," she said, pulling out a Hogwarts yearbooks, "Professor Kirkland isn't in any of these, except this one person named 'Arthur Kirkland' from one thousand years ago. Why would he lie?"

"Maybe he just didn't feel like telling the truth? It was Umbridge he was talking to, after all," Harry mused.

"Really? Well here's my theory: you know how Professor Kirkland acts so British that it's suspicious?"

Harry and Ron looked at her blankly.

"You know, the typical British stereotype of drinking tea, being a gentlemen, things like that?" Hermione prompted. "As I was saying, it's suspicious. He's so British that it's strange, and to add to it, Professor Kirkland doesn't have Ministry records and he lied about going to Hogwarts.

"My theory is that he isn't British at all, but a foreigner that was trained to act British (explains the overdoing of Britishness) and come to Hogwarts for something," Hermione finished.

"...that's...a bit farfetched..." Ron muttered. "I mean, a foreign spy? We've had a guy with You-Know-Who's face on the back of his head, a narcissist who is also a phony that likes erasing people's memories, a werewolf, a guy who was supposed to be dead but not dead and was also, coincidentally, a little crazy, a warty pink toad, a possible half-goblin, a greasy dungeon bat, and a ghost, but a foreign spy is going a little too far."

"You know, now that you're listing all the crazy professors we've had, a foreign spy doesn't sound that unrealistic anyone," Harry realized.

"Oh. That does kind of sound like our normal year of professors, now that you mentioned it."

Hermione cleared her throat meaningfully. "Also, remember his howler? Professor Kirkland's friends all had heavy accents and I was thinking maybe those country names they call each other by are actually code names of which country each person is assigned to."

"So, now the theory is that there is a whole network of foreign spies working together? But for what purpose?" Ron asked.

Hermione shrugged. "It could be something involved wIth You-Know-Who, but it doesn't seem like You-Know-Who would rely on other countries to help. I'm not exactly sure."

Harry groaned. "So now we've not only got Death Eaters, but also another possible evil organization?"

"You just have the worst luck, don't you, mate?" Ron said sympathetically, patting Harry on his back. "Shouldn't we go tell Dumbledore?"

"No," Harry said. "We don't have any proof of this, and it could be that we're wrong about the whole foreign conspiracy thing. No offense, Hermione."

"None taken. But this theory was a lot more realistic than the theory of which Kirkland could be an a thousand year old immortal," Hermione said.

Ron laughed. "Yeah, that's definitely impossible."

* * *

 **Hehe...definitely not impossible. The first seeds of doubt have been planted already! And it seems the Golden Trio thinks that they're spies! Ooooooh...**

 **Let's hope Iggy can stay healthy as his magic civil war goes on. I mean, it is kinda a civil war: British Death Eaters vs British Order of Phoenix dudes. So I figured Iggy would've been affected in some way if he chose to get involved.**

 **So, I hoped you guys liked this chapter! (It's probably terrible, but it's 2 in the morning here and this is the best I can do right now.)**

 **AND MERRY CHRISTMAS! HOPE YOU GUYS HAVE A GREAT WINTER BREAK!**

 **Ciao!**

 **~Russia's Magic Pipe ^J^**


	5. Encountering Some Weird Aliens

**I AM ALIIIVEEE!**

 ***dodges numerous tomatoes being thrown at my face***

 **OK yes I do realize I am a terrible human being because I have been procrastinating like hell for the past more than a year. I am very very very very very very very very very sorry.**

 **Reasons for procrastinating: Lemme think, school, uh school, school, school, school, yeah you get the idea. I really did try during the summer, but reading through my cringy-ass stuff from like a year ago really doesn't help motivate me. Later when this story is actually finished, I might go back and edit those first few chapters do they're a little better and less cringy.**

 **Also, really bad planning! Piece of advice to anyone starting a story: make a fricking plan. Like not just the main points a really really really really really detailed plan with all the minor events and crap. My biggest problem was not knowing what to write between the big plot points so everything kinda seemed boring, and I don't do well with boring stuff.**

 **On a happier note, this story has 40 reviews! I'm not sure exactly what I did for this to deserve this many reviews (it definitely isn't my procrastinating skills) but here's a big**

 **THAAAAANK YOOUUUUUU!**

 **to all the people who bothered to review. It makes my day to read all your nice comments!**

 **Precap:**

 **Chappie 1- England is hella tired of standing around while Voldie's vomit inducing attacks are happening. Dumbledore, with hella good timing, asks if Arthur can replace Binns and he agrees. Positive: he gets to make sure Harry Potter kills Voldemort. Negative: turns out, Umbridge likes England. Oh boy.**

 **Chappie 2- After a world meeting without England, America has come to the conclusion that Scottish aliens have kidnapped him to a place called 'Hogwarts' (despite every other country telling him that England's teaching wizards). Scotland shows America the wonders of the Howler, which is of course sent to England (cuz talking letters are way cooler) informing him that America is coming to rescue him from aliens. Cue suspicious Golden Trio. England teaches his first lesson and receives a romantic/sickening/semi-threatening letter from Umbridge, inviting him to her office Friday night.**

 **Chappie Three- Canada and the rest of the Allies are forced to accompany America on the quest to rescue England from the aliens' clutches. RIP America's daughter/plane, which exploded into pieces upon arrival, (cough, RUSSIA, cough) sending America into a dead faint for basically the rest of the chapter (cough, RUSSIA, cough). According to France, you can get to Hogwarts through King's Cross (the sooner they prove wizards are real the better) so the Allies ask around. Russia blunty asks a witch with pink hair where Hogwarts is, and that they're searching for someone there to kill him (I guess he was ticked off at that time or something). Pink Hair Stuns him, but it doesn't work so well cuz he's a nation. Pink Hair Apparates the heck outta there and America finally wakes up.**

 **Chappie Four- Harry overhears that Professor Kirkland has no Ministry records, which apparently is hella shocking. Hermione develops a theory that Kirkland and his weird friends with country nicknames are a third party of spies assigned to specific countries. That explains the lack of records and the codenames and the over stereotypicalness of Kirkland (foreigner trying to hard to be not foreign). Meanwhile, England's getting severe headaches he recognizes as headaches countries get when their country is at war with itself. His situation would be English Order of the Phoenix vs English Death Eaters. (Unfortunately, Advil doesn't do crap).**

 **DISCLAIMER: I NO OWN HETALIA OR HARRY POTTER OR THE COVER PHOTO**

* * *

 ** _(Previously with the Allies...)_**

 _America leaped out of Russia's arms, pointing in a random direction._

 _"We'll start searching over there for Iggy!"_

 **~OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO~**

 **America POV**

This was all the Commie Bastard's fault.

America, like a proper hero, had been asking all the English people where King's Cross was (so he could find Iggy and save him from the aliens), but they hadn't gotten any replies yet. Which was probably because _someone_ ( _cough_ , Russia, _cough_ ) was waving around a metal pipe threateningly (for no reason at all) while America asked the English dudes. Soon enough, the streets within, like, a ten-mile radius were empty.

To make things worse, China, France, and the other guy went searching some other place, so he was stuck with the Commie Bastard.

 _Alright, that is_ it! America pointed accusingly at Russia. "For f*ck's sake, stop chasing away the civilians!"

"I am doing no such thing. It is the fault Англии (of England) that his citizens are so spineless, _da?"_ Russia said innocently.

"I don't speak your stupid commie language, dammit," America deadpanned.

"Kolkolkolkolkolkolkolkol..."

They rounded the corner and America crashed right into a cosplayer with black robes, a skull mask, and a stick. Damn, England sure had some weird people.

"Uh, hey dude!" America greeted awkwardly. It wasn't everyday he saw a skull-faced weirdo. "Nice costume, but isn't it a little too early for Halloween? Also, do you know where King's Cross is?"

"Filthy Muggle trash!" the guy growled, brandishing the stick.

"Hey! What's wrong with asking for directions?" And what the heck was a 'Muggle'?

The guy muttered something close to "Abracadabra" (was he going to do a magic trick?) and his stick shot out a green light which smacked Russia right in the face.

For a moment, nothing happened. And then Russia toppled over. America blinked.

"What the hell, man? Did you seriously just kill Ru—uuuuuhh, Ivan?" He exclaimed, examining Russia's body. He kicked it a few times. "Yep, he's dead alright. By the way, that's a really nice stick, you know where I can get one—?"

America was very rudely interrupted by another green light shooting towards him, which he dodged.

"HEY! I thought English people were supposed to be like, gentlemen or whatever!" America yelled. The rude, creepy, green death ray shooting, calendar-blind cosplayer sneered and stepped right in front of Russia.

The cosplayer guy raised his stick again (which was very fancy for a stick, even if it shot green death lasers). "Watch your head, Muggle!"

"Oh, I'm not the one you should be concerned about," America said, looking just behind the guy. "Watch _your_ head!"

Cosplayer Dude looked up right into a shiny metal pipe.

"Nighty-night, Ублюдок (bastard)!" Russia, who had gotten up again, slammed Mr. Pipe right into Cosplayer Dude's skull. He raised it again, then slammed it back down.

 _Ouch, that's gotta hurt._

"Okay, okay, Commie, stop smacking the guy," America intervened when the hit count reached five. "He's half-dead already and I don't feel like writing the paperwork when he _does_ die."

Russia reluctantly put his pipe back inside his coat. "If he tries to kill me again, I will not be so merciful next time. Do you hear that, Mr. Englishman?"

Cosplayer Dude muttered something, then went limp.

"Russia! You just got us both extra paperwork—"

"Do not worry, comrade. He is only unconscious." Russia smiled again and kicked the cosplayer aside. "Now, let us go kill England!"

"Wait what?! Since when was _that_ the plan? I said _save,_ not kill!" America emphasized. "I don't know about Russian, but in English, 'save' and 'kill' are very different things!"

"It is quite simple. Kill England, and the wizards will—"

"Aliens."

"The _w_ _izards_ ," Russia corrected, "will think he is dead, fire him, then he will have no choice but to return. Simple, da?"

America considered that. "I guess it technically works..."

"Good—"

"Wait a minute, I can't kill England!" America, a hero, had come to save England from aliens, not _wizards,_ (not that they existed) so Russia's plan wouldn't work. Plus, America really didn't feel like listening to the commie's ideas. "The aliens will just keep his dead body and eat him or something!"

"Amerique!" a voice yelled. It was France. "Zhere you are!" France ran over, China by his side (it felt like there was another person meant to be there too, but he couldn't think of anyone). America quickly pulled them over.

"Did you guys find the King's Cross place?" America said. "We need to find the aliens and Iggy fast," his voice dropped to a whisper, "because _Russia_ is going to _kill_ him! And then the aliens are gonna eat him alive!" He paused. "Or while he's dead!"

"Quoi? (What?) Who would want to eat Angleterre?"

"Comrade, you do know I can hear you, right?"

"..."

"Uhh...yoooou saaaaw nooothiiiiing," America tried, waving his hands around.

Russia glared, unimpressed.

"Okaaay...sooo, what'd you guys find in this creepy-ass place?" America asked China, quickly changing the subject.

"Nothing very interesting aru," he replied, as France added with a smile, "We were definitely searching for non-existent aliens, not like, beating up an English cook."

"Mmm...yep, that sounds reasonable."

"Although there is a missing Number 12 in these apartments, eh," someone muttered. America whirled around.

"WHOA! Canada, when'd you get here?"

"Um...I was always here..."

He laughed. "Sure, bro, sure. When are you going to share your powers of teleportation with me?"

"Wait, so you think _I_ can teleport, but you don't think magic exists?"

"Yeah! What's so wrong about that?"

Canada slapped his palm on his forehead just as someone swore violently. America looked around and found the source.

A man wearing a tattered waistcoat was creeping out of an alley. He was held a teetering stack of round pot things, which looked like chamber pots **(1)** ( _T_ _hank goodness for indoor plumbing_ , America thought). The pots clattered to the ground as the man swore again. To America's surprise, he picked up a stick (similar to the one Cosplayer Dude was holding), muttered something, and the pots _f*cking floated._

"What the hell?" America muttered. "He looks like that cosplayer guy Commie Bastard and me saw earlier." _Floating pots? Death ray stick things? Strange outfits? Convenient appearance right in front of a shady location? It's obviously_ —

"See, America aru, that is a—"

"An alien! That's gotta be one of the aliens who kidnapped Iggy!" America exclaimed, interrupting the interrupter who had interruptedly interrupted his not-to-be-interrupted thoughts. Finally, he was getting somewhere! "The other dude must've been an alien too! I was wondering why an English guy was so rude!"

"...He is a _wizard,_ comrade. A _wiz_ _ard._ "

"Zhis wizard's fashion sense eez even worse zhan Angleterre's," France murmured, cringing. "Zhat makes 'im alien enough for me."

"See, France agrees with me!" America whooped, pumping his fist. He raised his hand and pointed at the English alien who was totally cowering in fear at his heroic-ness. "Let's get him!"

The alien yelled something in his alien language (albeit with a British accent, but America figured it was because he was, after all, an _English_ alien) and waved the stick around. The pots shrunk and zoomed into his pockets. Then, he pointed it at America.

" _Obliviate_!" the alien cried, swinging his stick, then jabbing it forwards. The green light, too fast for him to dodge, streaked right towards America.

 **And that's it, folks!**

 **0**

 **0**

 **0**

 **0**

 **0**

 **0**

 **0**

 **0**

 **0**

 **0**

 **0**

 **Huehuehue just kidding! Happy April Fool's! (Don't worry I hate cliffhangers too)**

When America was hit with the alien's green laser thing, he expected it to kill him like it did to Russia. Nice and simple.

Since he was a country, he'd be able to get right back up and scare the guy sh*tless. Then he figured he'd pull a Russia and beat the living lights outta him until he was only three-quarters dead (see, he knew fractions!).

What he didn't expect was the nice floaty feeling he felt, like when the dentist used laughing gas that one time he _actually_ got a cavity (who knew countries could get them too?). He was slightly aware of his body tipping back as time slowed down and everything turned white and seemed to float away.

His mind became foggy and for a second he could barely recall his own name much less anything else as he floated in the white, cloudy abyss...

And then his brain _burned_ as hundreds of years' worth of memories flooded back through his head.

 _I love you Big Brother! You're so cool_ — _Hey, I'm the hero! I'll save you_ — _England_ _I just want freedom your tea sucks_ — _Woah my_ _house is so big now_ — _GOLD GOLD GOLD GOLD_ — _The North should win_ — _no, South_ — _Europe's_ _going crazy f*ck now I'm broke Japan why did you do that phew now the war's finally over I gotta beat the commies screw you Russia gotta saveIggyfromalienswaitwhydoIfeellikeI'mfalling—_

America's eyes snapped open as he realized that yes, he was still falling backward (directly into Russia).

"Holy _sh*t!"_ America thrust a wobbly leg out behind him to stop the fall and spectacularly failed. His foot slipped (on a conveniently placed banana peel, of all things. Why didn't he notice that earlier?) **(2)** , and he plopped right into Russia's open arms.

America could practically feel Russia smirking. "It seems that this time, I am the hero, and you are the 'damsel in distress', da?"

"Dammit, ya commie gimme ma freedom right now I have oil and I want somma that gold," America slurred, wiggling out of Russia's grasp. His head was pounding like he had a hangover (except this was a thousand times worse). Everything he just remembered all felt as if it had literally just happened two seconds ago, and he still wasn't quite sure exactly what era it was. What the hell did that alien do?

"Zhey look quite cute togezher, non? Alzhough I must admit zhat I prefer Amerique to be wizh Angleterre instead..." America heard France murmuring in the background.

"Don't worry, Amerika," Russia said, hearing France. "I won't do anything unspeakable to you. After all, I wouldn't want to be cheating on my Yao-Yao, da?"

"WHAT THE HELL, ARU?!" China sputtered, his face turning a very bright shade of red. "I am _not_ with-" he was cut off as Russia glomped him and smiled serenely (France was doing his weird little "ohonhonhon" thing behind them).

America, rubbing his forehead, (he was still having that one heck of a headache) turned around, just in time to see the alien pointing the stick at them.

 _Oh no, you don't._

He rushed forward and tackled the alien down to the ground, where he preceded to beat the hell out of him. And this time, he wasn't gonna aim for only three-quarters dead.

 **~Time Skippie~**

 **Russia POV**

"Aiyah, _Meiguo_ (America) aru, you shouldn't have gone so hard on that human! With your super strength, he could've died aru!"

"China, dude, this guy's a British alien, I don't think he can die _that_ easily—"

"AIYAHHHH!"

With the unconscious wizard tied up in duct tape with all kinds of lewd doodles and bruises on his face (courtesy to America), Russia decided that this trip wasn't quite so boring as he originally thought. Perhaps he could hold off his original plan (killing England for wasting his time and America for still not giving him that sunflower).

They were in a dim-lighted room in an abandoned warehouse nearby, surrounding the wizard (who America still thought was an alien) who was bound to a chair. An awkward silence fell as China finished lecturing that capitalist pig.

"Urrrrgg..."

"Hey, you're awake, Asslien!" **(3)** America grinned. The wizard-alien had lifted his head to stare at the Capitalist Pig.

"So, Asslien (that was such a childish nickname. Russia definitely could come up with a much better one), let's have a little chat, shall we?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Oh wait, you can't! Your mouth is duct taped! Ahahahaha!"

* * *

 ** _Somewhere else..._**

 _"Dumbledore, I came across a group of dangerous Muggles!"_

 _"Would you please explain more, Miss Tonks?"_

 _"There were these four (or five?) men in Muggle clothes, but they knew about magic and were resistant to my Stunner!"_

 _"Dumbledore, Mundungus was supposed to come back hours ago. Are you_ sure _we should have him in the Order?"_

 _"Molly, Miss Tonks, one at a time, please. Miss Tonks, continue."_

 _"They were asking where Hogwarts was, and a creepy tall one wanted to kill someone there!"_

 _"Not to worry, Miss Tonks. It seems that they don't know where Hogwarts is yet so we still have some time. I'll warn everyone in the staff to keep an eye out for suspicious people. Molly?"_

 _"That nasty Mundungus disappeared hours ago and he still hasn't come back. If he was captured, that coward would definitely spill everything about the Order."_

 _"Mrs. Weasley, Dung's probably just caught up with something shady again. Earlier I scouted the area and there weren't any Death Eaters nearby, so there shouldn't be any threats...except for those Muggles..."_

 _"..."_

 _"Oh dear."_

 ** _Another somewhere else..._**

 _"You! Death Eater whose name I don't care to know!"_

 _"Yes, my lord?"_

 _"You are late._ Cru— _"_

 _"Wait! My lord, I-I have news that would interest you!"_

 _"...Tell me, then. I will merciful this time."_

 _"My lord, earlier, there was a Muggle. He survived the Killing Curse."_

 _The Dark Lord's lips curved into an unnatural smile. "Describe this...Muggle. If he is one."  
_

 _"He had violet eyes and silver hair. I think they were going to King's Cross."_

 _"Well, that_ is _quite interesting." The Death Eater let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding._

 _"Avada Kedavra." A green light flew out of the Dark Lord's wand and the Death Eater crumpled to the floor._

 _"No Death Eater should be bested by a filthy_ Muggle _, immortal or not." A thin, white finger pointed to a greasy haired Death Eater._

 _"This Muggle is likely headed for Hogwarts. Watch for him."  
_

 _"Do I capture him, my lord?"_

 _The Dark Lord paused. "Not yet. If there are more immortals in this world, then this one will surely lead us straight to the others."_

* * *

 **(1)- Chamber pots were basically toilets before indoor plumbing. People would do their business in a pot which would be dumped outside or in the river or something so they could use it again.**

 **(2)- That 'conveniently placed banana peel' was put there by the matchmaking gods.**

 **(3)- Asslien is a combo of "asshole" and "alien".**

 **So yeah, that's Chappie Five! Thanks for waiting so dang long, but I'm partially done with Chapter 6 already and actually did a sh*t load of planning ahead, so this probably won't happen again (well recently happen again...hopefully. Can't promise anything with exams and all). Hooray now I'm a responsible child!**

 **As for my other story ( _The Black Triangle Really Messed Up This Time!_ ) I have actually come up with a plot for that so it isn't like a thing I just wrote randomly 'cause I was bored (heheh...that totally isn't true) so hopefully I can sort of work out a thing where I can update this story and my other story pretty evenly and maaaaaybee start up another story (these plot bunnies will not leave me alone) I have an idea for but that'll probably be sometime after I write like 15 more chapters for either this story or my other one. **

**Once again, sorry for all my procrastinating, and be sure to drop a review (even if it's something like "UPDATE ALREADY!" you can do it). Constructive criticism is always welcome, so don't be afraid to say "this sucks" as long as you tell me why.**

 **Ciao!**

 **~Russia's Magic Pipe ^J^**


End file.
